Communication In A Love Relationship
There are two parts to communication in a love relationship:
- Speaking
- Listening
Speaking - In order to communicate effectively in a love relationship, one must be willing to express his or her needs, wants and intentions to the other person without fear of rejection or possible consequenses.
Listening - Because many people are scared to express their needs, wants and intentions, it will be an advantage to learn how to listen with your heart instead of just listening with your ears. This is called listening with compassion.
The level and depth at which you communicate depends on your ability to listen effectively, and how fearless and self-confident you are with speaking up.
Speak Up!
Communication in a love relationship involves telling the other person what your needs, wants and intentions are in a non-demanding, non-manipulative way without violating their individual rights and boundaries.
Example One - Effective Communication
- It's too loud for me in this night club, do you mind if we leave?
- That food smells nice, can I have some too?
- I don't want you to blow your marijuana smoke in my direction.
- Let's have sex.
- I'm trying to sleep, please turn down the TV.
Example Two - In-Effective Communication
- Don't you think it's too loud in this night club?
- That food smells nice.
Example One is Effective Communication because it is direct and clearly states what it wanted. Example Two is In-Effective because it is manipulative and expects the other person to guess what is wanted.
Expecting your love partner to guess your needs and wants without you asking will result in frustration, anxiety and feelings of resentment.
Non-Demanding Communication
Clearly stating your needs and wants does not mean you should order your love partner to comply with demands related to your emotional insecurity or your need to control people, events, conditions and circumstances.
For example, nobody has the right to tell their love partner:
- What to think.
- What to wear.
- Who they can and cannot see.
- What spiritual beliefs thay should have.
- To stop smoking, drinking, drugging etc.
- What to eat.
- When to go to bed.
- How to spend their money.
- Etc ..
Listening
Just Listen - Listen carefully to what your love partner has told you without trying to figure out what it really means. If your heart cannot yet hear beyond their words, don't worry about it, just try and understand what they have said.
Make Sure - Before responding to their words, repeat to your love partner what you *think* you have heard and ask them did you hear them correctly.
Filters Off - Develop an open mind by not listening for re-affirmation of your world views, values, beliefs and closely guarded opinions. You need to switch your listening filters off in order to truly hear everying that the other person is saying.
Don't Give Unsolicited Advice - Sometimes a love partner may need to express problems and frustrations they are having. In most cases they only need you to listen. If you feel like giving advice, ask permission first.
Final Tips
Be Yourself - Before one can communicate effectively, one must come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with having your own personal needs, wants and intentions and giving them a high priority.
Your Opinion - Your world-views, values and beliefs are only your opinion. Just because somebody has a different view doesn't mean they are telling you that you are wrong. Oddly enough, it only means that they have a different opinion.
Don't Punish - Punishing your love partner by giving them the silence treatment because they did not guess or anticipate your needs is a sign of low self-esteem.
Be Responsible - Suggesting to your partner that they should read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" is blaming them for your inability to speak up. Only use such books to improve yourself instead of trying to get others to change.
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